Letter 189

Since Rome is denied to us, I gave my son Cicero his toga of manhood at Arpinum rather than anywhere else, and this pleased our fellow townsmen. Yet I saw them all, and everyone along my road, sad and broken. So dark and brutal is the sight of this immense disaster. Levies are being held; troops are being led into winter quarters. Even when such things are done by good men, in a just war, and with restraint, they are painful in themselves. How bitter do you think they are now, when they are done most insolently by ruined men in a wicked civil war? Do not think, however, that any disgraceful man in Italy is absent from Caesar's side. I saw them all together at Formiae, and by Hercules I never thought them human beings. I knew them all, but I had never seen them in one place. Let us go, then, wherever it seems best, leave everything of ours behind, and set out to the man to whom our arrival will be more welcome than if we had been with him all along. Then we were in the highest hope; now I at least have none. And no one except me has withdrawn from Italy unless he thought Caesar was his enemy. By Hercules, I do not do this for the republic, which I think has been destroyed from the foundations, but so that no one may think me ungrateful to the man who relieved me from the troubles with which he himself had afflicted me; and also because I cannot bear to see the things that are happening, or certainly about to happen. I even think some decrees of the Senate have already been passed. If only they were in the line of Volcacius' proposal. But what difference does it make? There is one opinion for everyone. Servius, however, will be the most relentless: he sent his son with Pontius Titinianus to crush Gnaeus Pompey, or at least to capture him. Titinianus, perhaps, acted from fear. But Servius? Still, let us stop being angry and at last realize that nothing is left to us except the thing I least wanted: breath. Since the Adriatic is blocked, I will sail by the western sea; and if Puteoli is difficult, I will make for Croton or Thurii, and as a good citizen who loves his country, I will treat the sea as hostile. I see no other way to conduct this war. We will hide ourselves in Egypt. We cannot match Caesar with an army; there is no trust in peace. But enough lamentation. Please give Cephalio a letter about everything that has been done, and even about what people are saying, unless they have become entirely mute. I used your advice, especially in maintaining the dignity I owed myself in our meeting, and in persisting in not going near Rome. For what remains, please write as carefully as possible, for we are now at the last extremity, what you approve and what you think. There is no longer any doubt, but still, if anything comes to mind, or rather whatever comes to mind, please write it to me.

Since Rome was out of bounds, I celebrated my son's coming of age at Arpinum in preference to any other place, and so doing delighted my fellow-townsmen. Though they were pleased, yet I must tell you they and all others I have met are sad and sorry. So dark and direful is the coup d'oeil of this vast calamity. Levies are being made; troops are being drafted into winter quarters. These measures are hardships in themselves even when taken by loyalists, when the war is just, when there is some consideration. You can imagine how bitter they are when taken quite tyrannically by desperadoes in wicked civil war. But you must remember that every scoundrel in Italy is of the party. I saw them all together at Formiae. I could hardly believe them to be human. I knew every one of them, but I had never seen the whole collection together. Let us go then whither we please, and leave our all behind. Let us set out to Pompey, who will be more gratified at our arrival than if we had been with him all along. For then we had great hopes; but now I at least have none: nor has anyone except myself departed from Italy, unless he imagines Caesar to be his enemy. Heaven be my witness I do not take this step for the sake of the Republic, which to my mind is utterly destroyed, but for fear I may be charged with ingratitude to one who relieved me from the inconveniences which he himself had inflicted: and, at the same time, because I cannot endure the sight of the horrors that are happening and are bound to happen. Moreover I fancy that now decrees of the Senate have been passed, and my only hope is that they will agree with Volcacius' proposal. But what does it matter? There is only one proposal for everybody. But the most implacable enemy will be Servius, who has sent his son with Pontius Titinianus to destroy or at least to capture Gnaeus Pompey. Though Titinianus has the excuse of fear, what excuse has Servius? But let us cease from anger and let us reflect that there is nothing left us now except what to me is least desirable—life. As for me, since the Adriatic is beset, I shall sail by the lower sea, and, if it be difficult to start from Puteoli, I shall seek Croton or Thurii, and like a loyal and patriotic citizen play the pirate. Other means of conducting this war I see none. We will go and bury ourselves in Egypt. We cannot match Caesar on land, and we cannot rely on peace. But enough of this outcry. Please entrust a letter to Cephalio about all that has been done, and even about people's talk, unless men have become quite dumb. I followed your advice, especially when I maintained in our conversation a proper dignity and persisted in my refusal to go to Rome. For the rest please write to me in as much detail as possible (for the worst has come to the worst) what you approve and what you think, though now there can be no doubt. But yet, if anything comes into your mind, or rather whatever comes into your mind, please write to me.

[1] ego meo Ciceroni, quoniam Roma caremus, Arpini potissimum togam puram dedi, idque municipibus nostris fuit gratum. etsi omnis et illos et qua iter feci maestos adflictosque vidi. tam tristis et tam atrox est anatheoresis huius ingentis mali. dilectus habentur, in hiberna deducuntur. ea quae etiam cum a bonis viris, cum iusto in bello, cum modeste fiunt, tamen ipsa per se molesta sunt, quam censes acerba nunc esse, cum a perditis in civili nefario bello petulantissime fiant! cave autem putes quemquam hominem in Italia turpem esse qui hinc absit. vidi ipse Formiis universos neque me hercule umquam homines putavi, et noram omnis sed numquam uno loco videram. [2] pergamus igitur quo placet et nostra omnia relinquamus, proficiscamur ad eum cui gratior noster adventus erit quam si una fuissemus. tum enim eramus in maxima spe, nunc ego quidem in nulla; nec praeter me quisquam Italia cessit nisi qui hunc inimicum sibi putaret. nec me hercule hoc facio rei publicae causa quam funditus deletam puto, sed ne quis me putet ingratum in eum qui me levavit iis incommodis quibus idem adfecerat, et simul quod ea quae fiunt aut quae certe futura sunt videre non possum. etiam equidem senatus consulta facta quaedam iam puto, utinam in Volcaci sententiam! sed quid refert? est enim una sententia omnium. sed erit immitissimus Servius, qui filium misit ad effligendum Cn. Pompeium aut certe capiendum cum Pontio Titiniano. etsi hic quidem timoris causa, ille vero? sed stomachari desinamus et aliquando sentiamus nihil nobis nisi, id quod minime vellem, spiritum reliquum esse. [3] nos, quoniam superum mare obsidetur, infero navigabimus et , si Puteolis erit difficile, Crotonem petemus aut Thurios et boni cives amantes patriae mare infestum habebimus. Aliam rationem huius belli gerendi nullam video. in Aegyptum nos abdemus. exercitu pares esse non possumus; pacis fides nulla est. [4] sed haec satis deplorata sunt. tu velim litteras Cephalioni des de omnibus rebus actis, denique etiam de sermonibus hominum, nisi plane obmutuerunt. ego tuis consiliis usus sum maximeque quod et gravitatem in congressu nostro tenui quam debui et ut ad urbem non accederem perseveravi. quod superest scribe, quaeso, quam accuratissime (iam enim extrema sunt) quid placeat, quid censeas; etsi iam nulla dubitatio est. tamen si quid vel potius quicquid veniet in mentem scribas velim. Cicero