Letter 225

Cephalio delivered a letter from you on the evening of March 8. That same morning I had sent messengers and had given them a letter for you. But when I read yours, I thought I ought to send some answer, especially because you show that you are uncertain what explanation I will give Caesar for leaving Italy when I did. I have no need of a new explanation. I have often told him myself, and instructed others to tell him, that I could not endure people's talk, although I wished to, and much else to the same effect. There is nothing I would be more unwilling for him to think than that I did not make up my own mind on so important a question. Afterward I received a letter from the younger Cornelius Balbus saying that Caesar thought my brother Quintus had sounded the trumpet for my departure - that was his phrase. I did not yet know what Quintus had written about me to many people, but although he had spoken and acted with great bitterness face to face, I nevertheless wrote to Caesar as follows: "I am as troubled about my brother Quintus as I am about myself, but under the present circumstances I do not dare recommend him to you. One thing, however, I will dare to ask: I beg you to acquit him of doing anything to disturb my sense of your claims on me or to diminish my affection for you. Rather, regard him as the main factor in our union and as the companion, not the leader, of my departure. Therefore in all other matters you will give him all the credit your own kindness and your mutual friendship require. What I earnestly beg you, again and again, is that you will not let me stand in his way with you." So if I ever meet Caesar, though I have no doubt he will be lenient to Quintus and has already made that clear, I will behave as I always have. But, as I see it, what I ought most to be anxious about is Africa. You say it grows stronger every day, though only enough to raise hopes of a compromise rather than of victory. If only that could be true. But I read the signs quite differently, and I think you agree with me and say the opposite only to encourage me, not to deceive me, especially now that Spain has joined Africa too. You advise me to write to Antony and others. If you think it necessary, please do it for me, as you have often done before, since I cannot think of anything worth writing. You hear that I am less broken in spirit; but can you believe it, when you see that to my former troubles my son-in-law's fine behavior is now added? Still, please do not stop doing what you can to encourage me, that is, writing to me even if you have nothing to say. A letter from you always brings me something. I have accepted Galeo's legacy. I suppose it required only a simple form of acceptance, since none was sent to me. March 8.

Cephalio delivered a letter from you on the 8th of March in the evening. Now on the morning of the same day I had sent messengers and had given them a letter for you. But, when I read yours, I thought I ought to send some answer, particularly because you show you are in doubt as to what explanation I am going to offer Caesar of my departure when I did depart from Italy. I have no necessity for a new explanation, for I have often told him myself and instructed others to tell him that I could not put up with people's talk, although I wished it, and much else to the same effect. For there is nothing that I should be more unwilling for him to imagine than that I did not make up my own mind on so important a question. Afterwards I received a letter from Cornelius Balbus the younger saying that Caesar thought my brother Quintus had sounded the bugle for my departure (that was his expression). I was not then aware of what Quintus had written about me to many people; but, though he had spoken and acted with great bitterness when face to face with me, none the less I wrote to Caesar as follows: "I am as much troubled about my brother Quintus as about myself; but under the present circumstances I do not venture to recommend him to you. One thing, however, I will venture to ask you—I beseech you to acquit him of doing anything to disturb my sense of your claims on me or to lessen my affection for you, and rather to regard him as the main factor of our union and the companion, not the leader, in my departure. And therefore in all other matters you will give him all the credit that your own kindness and your mutual friendship demands. What I earnestly beg you again and again is, that you will not let me stand in his light with you." So, if I ever do meet Caesar, though I have no doubt that he will be lenient to Quintus and that he has already made that plain, I shall behave as I always have behaved. But, as I see, what I ought to be most anxious about is Africa, which you say is daily growing stronger, though only to the extent of raising hopes of a compromise rather than a victory. If it could only be true! But I read the signs quite differently, and I think you agree with me, and only say the contrary to hearten me, not to deceive me, especially as Spain too has now joined Africa. You advise me to write to Antony and others. If you think it necessary, please do it for me, as you have often done before; for I cannot think of anything worth writing. You hear I am less broken-spirited; but can you believe it, when you see that to my former troubles are now added my son-in-law's fine doings? However, pray do not cease doing what you can to hearten me, that is writing to me, even if you have nothing to say. For a letter from you always brings me something. I have accepted Galeo's legacy. I suppose it only required a simple form of acceptance, since none was sent to me. March 8.

[1] Cephalio mihi a te litteras reddidit a. d. viii Id. Mart. vespere. eo autem die mane tabellarios miseram; quibus ad te dederam litteras. tuis tamen lectis litteris putavi iam aliquid rescribendum esse ea re maxime quod ostendis te pendere animi quamnam rationem sim Caesari adlaturus profectionis meae tum cum ex Italia discesserim. nihil opus est mihi nova ratione. saepe enim ad eum scripsi multisque mandavi me non potuisse, quom cupissem, sermones hominum sustinere, multaque in eam sententiam. nihil enim erat quod minus eum vellem existimare quam me tanta de re non meo consilio usum esse. posteaque quom mihi litterae a Balbo Cornelio minore missae essent illum existimare Quintum fratrem 'lituum' meae profectionis fuisse (ita enim scripsit), qui nondum cognossem quae de me Quintus scripsisset ad multos, etsi multa praesens in praesentem acerbe dixerat et fecerat, tamen nihilo minus his verbis ad Caesarem scripsi: [2] do Quinto fratre meo non minus laboro quam de me ipso, sed eum tibi commendare hoc meo tempore non audeo. illud dumtaxat tamen audebo petere abs te quod potero, ne quid existimes ab illo factum esse quo minus mea in te officia constarent minusve te diligerem potiusque semper illum auctorem nostrae coniunctionis fuisse meique itineris comitem, non ducem. qua re ceteris in rebus tantum ei tribues quantum humanitas tua amicitiaque vestra postulat. ego ei ne quid apud te obsim, id te vehementer etiam atque etiam rogo. [3] qua re si quis congressus fuerit mihi cum Caesare, etsi non dubito quin is lenis in illum futurus sit idque iam declaraverit, ego tamen is ero qui semper fui. sed, ut video, multo magis est nobis laborandum de Africa; quam quidem tu scribis confirmari cotidie magis ad condicionis spem quam victoriae. quod utinam ita esset! sed longe aliter esse intellego teque ipsum ita existimare arbitror, aliter autem scribere non fallendi sed confirmandi mei causa, praesertim cum adiungatur ad Africam etiam Hispania. [4] quod me admones ut scribam ad Antonium et ad ceteros, si quid videbitur tibi opus esse, velim facias id quod saepe fecisti. nihil enim mihi venit in mentem quod scribendum putem. quod me audis erectiorem esse animo, quid putas cum videas accessisse ad superiores aegritudines praeclaras generi actiones? tu tamen velim ne intermittas, quod eius facere poteris, scribere ad me, etiam si rem de qua scribas non habebis. semper enim adferunt aliquid mihi tuae litterae. Galeonis hereditatem crevi. puto enim cretionem simplicem fuisse, quoniam ad me nulla missa est. viii Idus Martias.