Letter 219

I see that you are anxious about your own fortunes and those of us all, and especially about me and my griefs. But my griefs are not lessened at all by your sympathetic sharing in them; they are even increased. Of course your own judgment tells you what consolation can most comfort me: you approve my plan and say that under the circumstances I could have done nothing better. You add something that does not carry as much weight with me as your own judgment, though it has some weight: that everyone else, I mean everyone who matters, approves what I did. If I could persuade myself of that, I would feel less sorrow. "Believe me," you say. I do believe you, but I know how eager you are to relieve my grief. I have never regretted leaving the camp. Cruelty was so rampant there, and the alliance with foreign peoples so close, that a plan had been sketched out for a proscription not of individuals but of whole classes. Everyone had made up his mind that the property of all of you would be the prize of victory. I say "all of you" deliberately, because none but the cruelest intentions were held about you personally. So I will never regret my decision; I regret my way of carrying it out. I wish I had settled in some town until I was summoned. There would have been less talk about me, less pain for me, and at least this particular regret would not be tormenting me. To remain inactive at Brundisium is distressing from every point of view. But how can I move nearer Rome, as you advise, without the lictors given me by the people? They cannot be taken from me without depriving me of my rights. Only recently, as I was approaching Brundisium, I made them mingle with the crowd carrying nothing but sticks, for fear the soldiers might attack them; ever since, I have stayed at home. I have written to Oppius and Balbus asking them to consider how I can move nearer Rome. I think they will advise it. They promise that Caesar will want not only to preserve my dignity but even to increase it, and they tell me to be brave and hold the highest hopes. They warrant and guarantee this. Personally I would have felt more secure about it if I had stayed where I was. But that is harping on the past. Please look to the future, investigate the matter with them, and, if you think it necessary and they approve, call in Trebonius, Pansa, or anyone else you like, so that I may win Caesar's approval by seeming to follow the advice of his friends. Let them write to Caesar saying that what I did, I did on their advice. My dear Tullia's illness and weakness frighten me to death. I understand you are taking great care of her, and I am very grateful. I never had any doubt about Pompey's end. Despair of his success had so completely taken hold of all kings and peoples that I thought this would happen to him wherever he went. I cannot help feeling sorry for his fate, for I knew him as a man of honor and high principle. Am I to console you about Fannius? He used to speak bitterly of you for staying in Rome. You know Lucius Lentulus had promised himself Hortensius' house, Caesar's gardens, and a place at Baiae. The same thing is happening on this side too, except that on the other side there was no limit: they counted everyone who stayed in Italy as an enemy. I would rather speak of this sometime when I am less worried. I hear that my brother Quintus has set out for Asia to make his peace. About his son I have heard nothing; ask Diochares, Caesar's freedman, who brought those letters from Alexandria. I have not seen him. He is said to have seen Quintus either on the road or already in Asia. I am looking forward to a letter from you, as the occasion requires. Please see that it is conveyed to me as soon as possible. November 27.

I see you are anxious about your own fate and the fate of us all, and especially about me and my sorrows; but my sorrows are not lessened one whit by the addition of yours in sympathy, they are even increased. Of course your own intelligence makes you feel what consolation can comfort me most: for you approve of my plan and say that under the circumstances I could not have done anything better. You add something, which does not weigh with me so much as your judgement, though it has some weight, that every one else—I mean every one else who matters—approves of what I did. If I could persuade myself of that, I should feel less sorrow. "Believe me," you say. I do believe you; but I know how anxious you are to relieve my sorrow. I have never regretted leaving the camp. Cruelty was so rampant there, and there was so close an alliance with barbarian nations, that a plan was sketched out for a proscription not of persons but of whole classes; and everybody had made up their minds that the property of you all was to be the prize of his victory. I say "you" advisedly, for none but the cruellest thoughts were entertained about you personally. So I shall never regret my resolve; but I do regret my plan of action. I wish I had settled down in some town, till I was called for. There would have been less talk about me, less pain for me; this particular regret at any rate would not be worrying me. To remain inactive at Brundisium is annoying from every point of view. And how can I go nearer to Rome, as you advise, without the lictors given me by the people? They cannot be taken from me without depriving me of my rights. Only lately, as I was approaching Brundisium, I made them mix with the crowd with nothing but sticks in their hands for fear the soldiery might attack them: ever since I have kept at home. I have written to Oppius and to Balbus, asking them to consider how I can move nearer to Rome. I think they will advise me to do so. For they promise that Caesar will be anxious not only to preserve my dignity, but even to increase it; and they bid me be of good cheer and entertain the highest of hopes. This they warrant and guarantee. Personally I should have felt surer about it, if I had stayed where I was. But that is harping on the past; so pray look to the future and investigate the matter with them, and, if you think it necessary and they approve, call in Trebonius, Pansa and anyone else you like, that I may win Caesar's approval by appearing to follow his friends' advice, and let them write to Caesar, telling him that, what I have done, I did at their advice. My dear Tullia's illness and weakness frightens me to death. I understand you are taking great care of her, and I am very grateful. About Pompey's end I never had any doubt. For despair of his success had so completely taken possession of the minds of all the kings and peoples, that I thought this would happen to him, wherever he might go. I cannot help feeling sorry for his fate, for I knew him to be a man of honour and high moral principle. Am I to condole with you about Fannius? He used to speak virulently of you for staying in Rome. L. Lentulus, you know, had promised himself Hortensius' house, Caesar's gardens, and a place at Baiae. Precisely the same is taking place on this side too, except that on the other there was no limit. For they counted every one who stayed in Italy as an enemy. But I would rather speak of this sometime when I am less worried. I hear my brother Quintus has set out for Asia to make his peace. About his son I have heard nothing; but ask Diochares, Caesar's freedman, who brought those letters from Alexandria. I have not seen him. He is said to have seen Quintus either on the way, or was it already in Asia? I am looking forward to a letter from you, as the occasion demands. Please try to get it conveyed to me as soon as possible. November 27.

[1] sollicitum esse te cum de tuis communibusque fortunis tum maxime de me ac de dolore meo sentio. qui quidem meus dolor non modo non minuitur cum socium sibi adiungit dolorem tuum sed etiam augetur. omnino pro tua prudentia sentis qua consolatione levari maxime possim. probas enim meum consilium negasque mihi quicquam tali tempore potius faciendum fuisse. addis etiam (quod etsi mihi levius est quam tuum iudicium, tamen non est leve) ceteris quoque, id est qui pondus habeant, factum nostrum probari. id si ita putarem, levius dolerem. [2] 'crede' inquis 'mihi.' credo equidem sed scio quam cupias minui dolorem meum. me discessisse ab armis numquam paenituit. tanta erat in illis crudelitas, tanta cum barbaris gentibus coniunctio ut non nominatim sed generatim proscriptio esset informata, ut iam omnium iudicio constitutum esset omnium vestrum bona praedam esse illius victoriae. 'vestrum' plane dico; numquam enim de te ipso nisi crudelissime cogitatum est. qua re voluntatis me meae numquam paenitebit, consili paenitet. in oppido aliquo mallem resedisse quoad accerserer; minus sermonis subissem, minus accepissem doloris, ipsum hoc me non angeret. Brundisi iacere in omnis partis est molestum. propius accedere, ut suades, quo modo sine lictoribus quos populus dedit possum? qui mihi incolumi adimi non possunt. quos ego non paulisper cum bacillis in turbam conieci ad oppidum accedens ne quis impetus militum fieret. recipio tempore me domo te nunc. [3] ad Oppium (et Balbum scripsi) [et] quonam iis placeret modo propius accedere ut hac de re considerarent. credo fore auctores. sic enim recipiunt, Caesari non modo de conservanda sed etiam de augenda mea dignitate curae fore, meque hortantur ut magno animo sim, ut omnia summa sperem. ea spondent, confirmant. quae quidem mihi exploratiora essent, si remansissem. sed ingero praeterita; vide, quaeso, igitur ea quae restant et explora cum istis et, si putabis opus esse et si istis placebit, quo magis factum nostrum Caesar probet quasi de suorum sententia factum, adhibeantur Trebonius, Pansa, si qui alii, scribantque ad Caesarem me quicquid fecerim de sua sententia fecisse. [4] Tulliae meae morbus et imbecillitas corporis me exanimat. quam tibi intellego magnae curae esse, quod est mihi gratissimum. [5] de Pompei exitu mihi dubium numquam fuit. tanta enim desperatio rerum eius omnium regum et populorum animos occuparat ut quocumque venisset hoc putarem futurum. non possum eius casum non dolere; hominem enim integrum et castum et gravem cognovi. [6] de Fannio consoler te? perniciosa loquebatur de mansione tua. L. vero Lentulus Hortensi domum sibi et Caesaris hortos et Baias desponderat. omnino haec eodem modo ex hac parte fiunt, nisi quod illud erat infinitum. omnes enim qui in Italia manserant hostium numero habebantur. sed velim haec aliquando solutiore animo. Quintum fratrem audio profectum in Asiam ut deprecaretur. de filio nihil audivi; sed quaere ex Diochare Caesaris liberto quem ego non vidi, qui istas Alexandrea litteras attulit. is dicitur vidisse Quintum euntem an iam in Asia. tuas litteras prout res postulat exspecto. quas velim cures quam primum ad me perferendas. iiii K. Decembr.