Letter 203

How blind I was not to see this before. I am sending you Antony's letter. I had written to him again and again that I was planning nothing against Caesar's policy; that I remembered my son-in-law and remembered our friendship; that, if I felt otherwise, I could have been with Pompey; but because I disliked wandering about with my lictors, I wanted to be away, and was not even yet certain about that. See how instructively he answers. "Your plan is very sound. A man who wants to be neutral stays in his country; a man who leaves seems to be passing judgment in favor of one side or the other. But I am not the person who ought to decide by what right anyone leaves or does not leave. Caesar has assigned me this role: to allow no one at all to depart from Italy. So it matters little that I approve your intention if I still cannot grant you any exception. I think you should send to Caesar and ask this from him. I do not doubt that you will obtain it, especially since you promise to take account of our friendship." There you have a Spartan dispatch. I will certainly take the man's hint. He was to arrive on the evening of May 3, that is today; perhaps he will come to me tomorrow. I will test him. I will say I dare not hurry; I will send to Caesar. I will act secretly and hide somewhere with very few people. Then, however unwilling these men are, I will fly away from here. If only to Curio. Understand what I am saying. A great sorrow has been added. Something worthy of us will be done. Your difficulty passing urine troubles me greatly. Please treat it while it is at the beginning. Your letter about the Massilians was welcome; let me know whatever you hear. I would like to have Ocella, if I could do it openly, which I had achieved from Curio. Here I am waiting for Servius at the request of his wife and son, and I think it necessary. Meanwhile Antony carries Cytheris with him in an open litter as a second wife. There are seven more litters joined to hers, of women friends or male friends. See what a disgraceful death we are dying, and doubt, if you can, that whether Caesar returns defeated or victorious, he will carry out a massacre. If there is no ship, I will tear myself away from the parricide of these men even in a little boat. But I will write more when I have met him. I cannot help loving our young man, but I clearly understand that he does not love us. I have never seen anything so without character, so alienated from his own people, so full of some hidden plan. What an incredible weight of trouble. But I am taking care, and will continue to take care, that he is governed. His talent is remarkable; his character must be tended.

How blind I am not to have foreseen it! I send you Antony's letter. I have often written to him that I planned nothing against Caesar's policy, that I was mindful of my son-in-law, of our friendship, that, if I had thought otherwise, I could have been with Pompey, that I wished to leave Italy because I was loth to wander about with my lictors, though I had not made up my mind definitely even to that. See in what an ex cathedra tone he answers me:—"Your policy is quite right. For a man who wishes to be neutral remains in his country; the man who leaves his country seems to express his conviction on one side or the other; but it is not for me to determine, whether anyone has the right to leave or not. The part Caesar has given me is not to let anyone at all leave Italy; so it is of little use for me to approve your plan, if all the same I cannot make an exception for you. I think you should send to Caesar and ask him this favour. I have no doubt that you will succeed, especially as you promise not to forget our friendship." That is a laconic epistle. I will certainly take my cue from the man. He is to come on the evening of the 3rd, that is to-day. To-morrow therefore he will perhaps come to me. I will sound him: I will hear him: say I am in no hurry: that I will send to Caesar. I will act secretly, with a very few attendants I will lie hidden somewhere; but assuredly, however unwilling these people are, I will fly off; and would that it may be to Curio! "Mark what I say." Another great grief has come upon me. I will do something worthy of my reputation. Your malady gives me grave anxiety. I pray you get medical advice in its initial stage. Your letter about the Massilians pleased me. Let me know whatever you hear. I should have liked to have Ocella, if it could be done openly, and I had got Curio to allow it. Here I am awaiting Servius Sulpicius, for it is at the request of his wife and son, and I think it is necessary. Antony carries about Cytheris with him in an open litter as his second wife, and besides he had seven other litters of friends male or female. See what a disgraceful death we die, and doubt, if you can, that, whether Caesar returns victor or vanquished, he will perpetrate a massacre. Even in an open boat, if I cannot get a vessel, I will tear myself away from these parricides and their doings. But I will write more when I have met him. My nephew I cannot but love, though I see clearly that he has no affection for me. I never saw anyone so unprincipled, so averse to his own relations, with such mysterious plans. What a weight of anxiety! But it will be my business, as it is now, to discipline him: he has wonderful ability, but his character requires training.

[1] me caecum qui haec ante non viderim! misi ad te epistulam Antoni. ei cum ego saepissime scripsissem nihil me contra Caesaris rationes cogitare, meminisse me generi mei, meminisse amicitiae, potuisse, si aliter sentirem, esse cum Pompeio, me autem, quia cum lictoribus invitus cursarem, abesse velle nec id ipsum certum etiam nunc habere, vide quam ad haec parainetikos: [2] tuum consilium quam verum est. nam qui se medium esse vult in patria manet, qui proficiscitur aliquid de altera utra parte iudicare videtur. sed ego is non sum qui statuere debeam iure quis proficiscatur necne; partis mihi Caesar has imposuit ne quem omnino discedere ex Italia paterer. qua re parvi refert me probare cogitationem tuam si nihil tamen tibi remittere possum. ad Caesarem mittas censeo et ab eo hoc petas. non dubito quin impetraturus sis, cum praesertim te amicitiae nostrae rationem habiturum esse pollicearis. [3] habes skutalen Lakoniken. omnino excipiam hominem. erat autem v Nonas venturus vesperi, id est hodie. cras igitur ad me fortasse veniet. temptabo, + audeam+ nihil properare; missurum ad Caesarem. clam agam, cum paucissimis alicubi occultabor, + carti+ hinc istis invitissimis evolabo, atque utinam ad Curionem! Sunes ho toi lego Magnus dolor accessit. efficietur aliquid dignum nobis. [4] Dusouria tua mihi valde molesta. medere amabo dum est arche. de Massiliensibus gratae tuae mihi litterae. quaeso ut sciam quicquid audieris. Ocellam cuperem, si possem palam, quod a Curione effeceram. hic ego Servium exspecto; rogor enim ab eius uxore et filio et puto opus esse. [5] hic tamen Cytherida secum lectica aperta portat, alteram uxorem. septem praeterea coniunctae lecticae amicarum sunt (an) amicorum. vide quam turpi leto pereamus et dubita, si potes, quin ille, seu victus seu victor redierit, caedem facturus sit. ego vero vel luntriculo, si navis non erit, eripiam me ex istorum parricidio. sed plura scribam cum illum convenero. [6] iuvenem nostrum non possum non amare sed ab eo nos non amari plane intellego. nihil ego vidi tam anethopoieton, tam aversum a suis, tam nescio quid cogitans. O vim incredibilem molestiarum! sed erit curae et est ut regatur. mirum est enim ingenium, ethous epimeleteon.